My Struggles to Conceive…

I am going to switch gears for this next post (I promise I will get back to “finale” of my bariatric surgery journey) because this subject is heavy on my heart and mind at the current moment and I know I am not the only one out there who is experiencing this – conceiving another child.

I don’t understand it.  When we conceived my daughter in March of 2016 it was so easy — almost too easy.  I had come off birth control in January and my husband officially knocked me up in March.  I honestly couldn’t believe it then but I am still forever grateful that we were blessed with our beautiful daughter.  And I think that’s why I am having such a hard time understanding WHY I can’t get pregnant now.  We started trying for Baby H #2 in December 2018 and so far nothing but 1 miscarriage and 3-4 chemical pregnancies.

I am doing everything right — I lost 80 lbs, I eat healthy (minus my wine…but I wined it up more when I got pregnant with Dani so…lol), I take a prenatal, probiotic, baby aspirin everyday.  I use an Ovulation Predictor kit to determine exactly when I am most fertile too.  The only thing I stopped doing was temping.  I bought an AVA bracelet with the hopes it would help me with the tempting to conceive but it was HORRIBLE and I don’t recommend it to anyone.  It never got my ovulation days correct, and half the time didn’t even sync overnight.  It’s currently sitting in the nightstand in my room collecting dust lol.

I’ve been to a fertility specialist and everything seems to check out.  So why can’t I have another baby?  I think what makes this so hard is I only have a short window to have another baby.  My husband deploys in 5 weeks and won’t return until the fall leaving only 3 months until we reach the cutoff we set.  If by this cutoff date, we don’t conceive another child then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.  And FYI this date is set because we are both pushing 40 and we just don’t want to be in our 40s with an infant.  Total personal choice.

I’m currently 4DPO as of this log post and the one thing we both tried different this month is an additional fertility supplement.  I have been taking a product called Eu Natural Fertility Conception pills and my husband has been taking Fertilaid for men.  These are the top two fertility supplements for men and women according to numerous websites such as amazon, etc.  I saw so many reviews of people saying they were pregnant before finishing the first bottle.  I do believe a lot of these reviews are manufactured or someone got paid for them but it sparked my interest enough for me to try them.  I’ve linked them below for anyone curious…  Only time will tell if they worked and by time I’m meaning a week or less lol!

 

I certainly don’t have my hopes up though.  In fact,  I am prepared for the day when my next period starts and I am sitting in the bathroom wiping away my tears and trying not to let my daughter see me in this moment or trying not to show my husband that my body has again failed me.  I feel like such a failure every month we continue to try and I don’t get pregnant.  And it doesn’t help that EVERYONE AND THEIR FUCKING MOTHER is pregnant these days.  Don’t get me wrong — I am so happy for them because for all I know they could have struggled with the same thing as well.  I just can’t help but feel a little jealous.  I wish it was me announcing on Facebook the exciting news, you know?

Anyway, anyone who has gone though fertility struggles, do you have any suggestions?  Any one product or thing I should be doing that will boost my chances?  I literally have one more month to try before my husband leaves 😦  Has anyone tried the pills below and had success or no?

Click here to view the Conception pills on Amazon

Click here to view the Fertilaid for Men on Amazon

The Bariatric Surgery Files – Part II

I told myself I was going to wait a little bit before working on Part Two of the Bariatric Surgery files, but after I wrote the first part it felt so therapeutic.  I felt so much better talking about some of the negative thoughts that had plagued my mind for so many years.

This post is for the individuals who are contemplating some type of bariatric surgery.  Let me tell you all something – IT IS NOT AN EASY OR QUICK PROCESS.  So don’t go into this process, like me, thinking you’re going to have surgery a month after your initial consultation because it ain’t happening.

Now, if you are going through your insurance, every insurance company is different.  So I can only explain to you my experience with my insurance company which is Tricare. Before I could even go see a specialist, I had to get a referral from my primary care manager.  That was the easiest part. I told my doctor I was ready to lose weight and I had tried everything under the sun.  Now this was kind of true but not because honestly, I had not gotten my ass up to go to the gym. LOL.  I was honestly just too lazy and worn out.  The referral came through about a day later so I immediately went and scheduled a consultation with the bariatric surgeon.

The consultation was quick.  I met with the doctor and he told me my options:  Gastric Sleeve or Gastric Bypass.  Gastric sleeve  is where they shrink your stomach and gastric bypass is where they re-route your intestines and the recovery time is a lot longer.  I went with the gastric sleeve route because I had an infant and a husband that is active duty military and can be called to go TDY or even worse deploy at a moment’s notice.  I couldn’t be laid up in a bed for weeks lol. Anyway, I told the doctor what my preference was and then I said “so can we get this scheduled for two weeks from now??” LOL. The look on his face was priceless.  Let me break down everything that needed to be done PRIOR to even getting the paperwork submitted for insurance approval:

• Complete 3 nutrition classes (you can only go to one class a month so that’s three months right there. Some insurance companies require 6 months.)  This is actually important because you have to understand what you can and cannot eat in the weeks post-surgery.
• Complete a psychiatric evaluation (the doctors want to make sure you understand what you’re getting into)
• Complete an electrocardiogram (this is to make sure your heart is strong enough to handle surgery)
• Complete a visit with a Pulmonologist (Basically just checking your blood work)
• Have an endoscopy done (most surgeons do this to see if you have a hiatal hernia because they will repair that during surgery – I had this)
• DON’T GAIN WEIGHT during this time. If you gain weight the doctor could drop you or your insurance could deny you.

So, let me give you an idea of the timeline here.  I went for my initial consultation in early May, completed all of my requirements the first week in September and was scheduled for my surgery two weeks later.  So in total about four months.  It is not an overnight thing folks.  Get that through your mind now if this is something you are thinking about.  Don’t have the excitement and false hope like I had.

Once I found out I was approved AND had a surgery date I was so excited.  I was ready to finally drop some weight and get my sexy back.  I had no idea how difficult the next year was going to be like and how hard it would push me mentally and emotionally.  If I am being honest, it’s still a struggle today and it will be three years in September.  I’ll tell you more about that in part three!  Stick with me because that’s going to be a “doozy”.

-A.

The Bariatric Surgery Files – Part I

Alright ya’ll.  The next few posts are going to be dedicated to my experience having bariatric surgery – specifically the Gastric Sleeve.

For those who don’t know, gastric sleeve is a surgery that decreases the size of the stomach to encourage weight loss. About 80 percent of the stomach is surgically removed, leaving a tube-like portion of the stomach in place, and removing the rest permanently.

To be honest, I didn’t even think I was a candidate for gastric sleeve surgery because while I was overweight, I didn’t weight 400 or 500 lbs nor was I close to being immobile.  So when a good friend of mine told me she was having the surgery I thought “what the f*ck?”  In my opinion – she didn’t even need it.  All she needed was to find the time to work out a bit (pot meet kettle right?!).  So I looked into it through my insurance and sure enough – I was eligible for the procedure.  But before I begin telling you about everything involved from getting approved to the actual surgery let me give you a little background about my struggles with weight.

My weight was not always an issue.  I was a dancer in high school, college and even professionally after college so I was always fit.

Yours Truly

Both photos circa 2006/2007 while still dancing

It wasn’t until I stopped dancing that things went downhill.  I continued to drink and eat whatever I wanted but the difference was that I was no longer working out 4-5 times a week.

Photos (circa 2009) not long after I quit dancing

So the weight started piling on and by the time I met my now husband in 2011 I weighed about 156.  Now that number may not seem like much to most but I am barely 5’0 so 156 is quite a lot.  We moved overseas to Italy the numbers just kept going higher and by the time I got pregnant with our daughter I was 186. Fast forward to post birth and I weighed 205!  And the weight didn’t come off like it does for a lot.  In fact, I kept gaining because I kept eating and I had no energy to work out.  I was always looking for the quick fix and wasn’t focused on long term health and weight loss.  It wasn’t until I was walking up the steps carrying my then 6 months old that I realized I needed a long term change.  I could barely breathe by the time I got up the steps and everything hurt; my back, my knees, my arms, etc.

Left photo (2015) and Right photo (2017) at my heaviest

But you know what hurt the worst?  My self-esteem.  I HATED the way I looked.  I never felt pretty, nothing fit, my clothing sizes had gone from a 3/5 to a 16/18 and I was depressed and miserable.  My marriage was suffering a little too because I would always talk about how unhappy I was but my husband always said I wouldn’t do anything about it.  To be honest, that always angered me because it’s not that I didn’t want to but I was a new mom and I worked full time.  I didn’t want to spend the little bit of free time I had working out.  Looking back though, I can see how lazy that must have sounded and it was – I own it.

So after seeing the start of success with my friend who had the surgery, I decided that I was going to do this!  So I got the referral from Tricare and scheduled my appointment.  Now me being naïve and silly, here I am thinking I will go meet with the surgeon and schedule my surgery for the next week LOL (WTF was I smoking??).  Yea shit did NOT happen like that.  It was a process just to get approved in order to schedule the surgery, but those are details I will share in my next blog post.  There is NO way I can fit this whole process in one blog post lol.  So be patient and stick with me especially if you currently feel the way I felt during this time.  Support, advice and just hearing other people’s stories helped me survive the first year after surgery so I can only hope my story does the same for someone else.

Photos circa 2019 🙂

-A

 

Updates!

So….blogging clearly hasn’t been my thing since my last update was in November 2017!  But, I am back and now super dedicated to doing more consistent blogs.  But first let me start with some updates…

Family:
We FINALLY moved back home to the DMV area after being gone since 2012 and it feels amazing.  We are only 25 minutes away from my parents so it’s amazing to finally have some free built in babysitters (I’m just sayin…).  My little mini me is now 3 and extremely sassy.  Everyone told me how fun this stage is but NO ONE told me how difficult it is as well.  I feel like everything is a constant battle and Dani is only three.  But I wouldn’t change a thing..

We are getting ready to go through a HUGE transition though — literally two months after getting stationed at the Air Force Base in MD (in case you forgot, the husband is active duty military).  We found out Mike is getting deployed to the Middle East again.  With over 17 years in, we thought we were done with the deployments but reality is that’s just not the case.  I’m a tough bitch, let me tell you, and I can handle a lot.  But this is a hard pill for me to swallow because I have no clue how it’s going to effect our daughter.  Only time will tell.  

My Health:

Alright yall.  I think the last time I updated you all, I was talking about having bariatric surgery done because my weight was just getting too big.  Well, I had it done in September of 2017 and let me tell you — it was the best decision I ever made.  I don’t talk to openly about it because so many people are quick to judge and tell you that it’s taking the easy way out but trust me it’s not.  But I will elaborate more during another post.  For some I am proud to say I am now a normal BMI at 129 lbs and healthier than I have ever been.

Like I said — I am dedicated to updated thing blog more often.  Not because I think anyone is even truly interested in it lol, but for me its gonna be a way to express myself and the things going through my head especially as I navigate the next year with everything going on.  So stay tuned for more…

 

-A.

The Trials and Tribulations of Mommy-hood: The Newborn Files

I don’t think anyone’s constant advice over the 9 months of my pregnancy could have prepared me for what was to come during the newborn phase.  When I say my world was turned upside down by a 5lb 14oz baby — I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.

We spent 3 nights in the hospital because I had a scheduled C-Section and I just remember so vividly thinking to myself — How am I going to do this when I get home? lol.  Don’t get me wrong, I was loving EVERY MINUTE with my baby, but the reality was setting in that they aren’t easy.  Daniella would cry and cry all the time in the hospital and the nurses would say you have to swaddle her or do this and that.  I explained to them that I tried it and it didn’t work.  One night we were so desperate for sleep that we allowed the nurses to take her to the nursery so we could get an hour or two of sleep.  In that moment, I felt like the worst mom in the world because I felt like I was sending my daughter away.  But the fact of the matter is, how can I be a good mom, if I don’t have the right amount of rest and emotional stability myself?  You can’t.

When we left the hospital, we immediately went to the train station to pick up my mom who was coming in for a week to help us with our precious newborn.  THANK.THE.LORD my mom came in.  That first night was so difficult.  Babies have their night and days mixed up when they first come out, Daniella would sleep all day long and would stay up all night.  At 5 am that first night, I remember sending my husband upstairs to wake my mom up because nothing we were doing was working to get her to sleep.  My mom came down and was able to get her to sleep.  And while she did that, I went into the bathroom and cried…. In that very moment, I knew this was going to be the most rewarding yet most challenging time of our lives.

Clearly we survived the newborn stage but below are a few tips that really worked for me that I hope can potentially help other new mommies:

1. SLEEP WHEN THEY SLEEP — I never freaking understood why people said that.  In my mind, I probably thought babies slept all the time.  They do just not at the times you need them.  So when they fall asleep, you take your ass right onto sleep with them!  You are a new mommy and need just as much rest otherwise you will eventually go insane
2. GET THEM ON A SCHEDULE — I read an article by this mom who said what helped her newborn get their nights/days adjusted and sleep through the night was getting them on a schedule.  So many moms find this controversial because they say a baby that young shouldn’t be on a schedule.  Well guess the fuck what?  I put Daniella on a simple schedule at 3 weeks old.  She started sleeping through the night by 5 weeks. Maybe we were lucky, I don’t know.  But in my heart, I believe it was getting her on a schedule.  And to this day at 11 1/2 months, she still sleeps through the night.  Below is a sample of the schedule we used from http://www.hashtagmotherhood.com:
3. DON’T COMPARE BABIES — What one child is doing at 2 months, your baby might not do until 4 months.  Every baby is different and beats to their own drum.  Please remember that because you will mind fuck yourself every day if your more worried about what other babies are doing than what is right in front of you.  I am a prime example!
4. FOLLOW YOUR MOMMY GUT — The absolute best advice I could give a new mommy going through the newborn stage is follow your gut.  If you think something is wrong, call the doctor — no one is judging you!  I probably called the doctor 50 times in the first few months and guess what I am not ashamed.  For me, I followed my gut and gave my daughter formula instead of breast feeding.  For me, I was not interested in breastfeeding.  I had to go back to work at 8 weeks (gotta love the Federal Government) and I just didnt want to!!!  Guess what — my daughter turned out just fine by drinking formula!  Now my wallet didn’t because she drinks the ready to feed version but we survived lol.  My point is — You are the mommy!  You know whats best for you and your baby.  Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.

To all the mommies currently going through the newborn phase, it’s hard but enjoy it because the first year flies by so fast.  I miss my little peanut who didn’t mind getting changed and would sit so quietly.  My daughter now won’t sit still — but I love that too 🙂

Until Next Time…

 

My Greatest Accomplishment — Daniella Jade

So as my daughter approaches her 1st birthday, I can’t help but sit back and reminsce on this past year.

Up until I got pregnant, I always thought my greatest accomplishment was my career and relationships I built with my husband, family and friends.  Little did I know that my TRUE greatest accomplishment would arrive on December 1, 2016.

My husband and I were 32 and 33 when we conceived so we were already very comfortable with the lives we had built.  We both are in thriving careers, our health and have traveled the world.  But I was very eager to add to our family to make it complete.  We conceived in MArch of 2016 after ONE MONTH of trying.  Honestly, I was expecting the worse we started trying for our daughter.  I’ve heard these stories from women who were in great health who struggled to conceive for months and even some years.  So imagine my surprise when my pregnancy test said PREGNANT!  Let me pause for a second and tell you the hilarious story of how we found out we were pregnant.

It was a normal day like any other.  We both went to work and came home exhausted and tired which is nothing new!  I took a pregnancy test bc I was a bit more tired than normal (and honestly I was ready to get pregnant so I was tracking my shit!!).  Instead of waiting for the test to be done, I ended up falling asleep on the couch for 2 hours or so!  When I got up my husband said “It’s Friday, lets have a drink”.  Of course, I said break open the Prosecco.  So there we are drinking away on a Friday and having a good time like always.  I had to pee so bad so I get up and walk into the bathroom and just happen to look down at the counter where my cheap $1.00 pregnancy test is laying and clear as day there are two lines!  I had to do a double take.  Then I immediately panicked because I was already 1.5 bottles of prosecco in.  I walk outside to where my husband is and show him the test.  In his drunken stuper he didnt understand what it meant.  In fact I will never forget him saying “what the fuck is this?  I don’t understand two lines, Audra.  I need to see pregnant or not pregnant”. LOL.  Well, we were stationed in italy and at this time everything is closed so we had to wait until the Morning to go on base to get a digital test just for him and sure enough it says PREGNANT! To say we were shocked is an understatement.

Fast forward 9 months (6 months of those 9 with horrendous swollen feet and morning sickness), my precious daughter, Daniella Jade, makes her grand arrival into the world and my life hasn’t been the same since.

When someone asks me what my greatest accomplishment is now, I don’t even hesitate when I say my daughter.  My life will never be the same and I can’t imagine it without her in it.  So this blog post is for you my precious baby!  I love you more to infinity X2!

PS — I am going to do a few blog posts today about my first year as a mommy so I apologize in advance for the mommy blog overload!

Vienna, Austria — Meh…

New Years 2013 was our first NYE overseas.  I was slightly depressed bc it was the first Christmas we didnt spend with our families.  But then I remembered, my cousin lived in Austria where he was a professional backetball player!  So what did I do?  Immediately messaged him to see what his plans were.  He didn’t have any so we packed up the Infiniti and drove the 6 hours to Vienna.

When we arrived, I finally got to meet my cousins girlfriend (they are now married) and she is originally from Vienna.  Her mom and sister was so nice and cooked everyone a huge meal.  It was myself, Mike, my cousin, his gf, her sister, their best friend and my cousins friend who at the time played ball in another country!  Amazing people

This is myself and my cousin…

Everyone at dinner…

Now Vienna didn’t give me the amazing butterflies that Venice did.  While the city is incredible beautiful and my cousins gf’s family were so nice and welcoming, I can’t say the same about other individuals in the city.  We had a really bad racial bias experience that night that I haven’t forgotten about that just soured the rest of the evening.  However, overall Vienna is a nice country and the food is pretty good too.   I do wish I had taken more photos but considering we went there to party and most of us were drunk the whole time — it didn’t really happen #dontjudgeus.

Venice, Italy — You will always have a piece of my heart!

The title of this post says it all.  Living overseas, after living in Washington, D.C. my entire life wasn’t easy!  There were so many things that I had to get used to.  But if there was one place that almost immediately had me smitten, it was Venice, Italy!  To start, we lived on Aviano and were only a quick 40 min train ride to the island of Venice!  So understand that we went there all the time.  The architecture, the food, the locals and oh my goodness the shopping was just amazing!

A few must do’s for anyone visiting Venice —

• Visit Bacaro Jazz Bar!  So they play jazz via a laptop, don’t have a live band, their bar is small and there are bras all over the ceilings.  But the food is delicious, their homemade Sangria is to die for and they are loyal to their customers.  The vibe here is just amazing!

• Do the damn Gondola ride!  Listen, you’re probably going to be in Venice only once so just do the ride!  Its fun, the tour guides are funny and entertaining and it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.  And look — if you don’t want to pay the price — just negotiate.  The Gondoliers are always open to negotiating.  You can thank me later

Below are a few more photos from our multiple trips to Venice!  Now excuse me while I go hide in a closet and wish I could go back for one more Spritz Aperol!

So Many Updates…

I always say I am going to keep my site updated and in the moment when I type it on here, I really truly mean it.  Reality is, it never ever happens.  LIKE EVER!  Luckily this time, instead of letting  few years go by I only let about 6 months go by.  Progress right?!

So while I have some free time while I am at work, I am going to update my blog with my adventures from living overseas from 2013-2016!  I promise I will get to my 2017 updates sometime soon HA HA.. First up — Venice, Italy!

Why I will never purchase new construction again!

Ok, ya’ll!  In my last post, I had mentioned that we had closed on our first home last September.  Super exciting and we were very proud but I will NEVER…EVER…buy brand new construction again.  At least not from Ryan Homes/NVR.

I had always heard amazing things about Ryan Homes and how they are they leaders in new construction homes.  My experience just goes to show you that you shouldn’t believe everything you hear.

When we signed the build contract, it was early on in our pregnancy.  We knew when we were arriving in NJ and how long we had to get into the house. We legit had only about 30 days before we could no longer stay on base in TLF from the time we arrived.  We made it clear that we need to be moved into our house by September 15 at the latest otherwise we would be SOL.  They all but guaranteed this to us as we were signing the build agreement.  I’ve come to realize people will tell you ANYTHING to get you to sign on that dotted line.  Needless to say we didn’t close on time and needed the help of a lawyer just to ensure our asses were covered.

So we have closed and started to move in and for a brand new home a whole bunch of shit was messed up.  Let me just give you a running list:

1. Dishwasher wasn’t flushed with the counter top.  So half the damn thing was sticking out.  How not even the project manager noticed is beyond me.
2. The granite counter top in our bathroom was completely measured wrong and not aligned properly.
3. We have an amazing view of the apartments behind us.  We were told that we would barely be able to see the apartments and there would be a landscape package put in.  They FAILED to mention the landscape package wasn’t going in until ALL of the houses were built (our home was the 2nd row of homes built….).
4. They used the cheapest paint possible because it literally rubbed off on everything.
5. They already had to fix a carpet and hardwood issue
6. Our ceiling has started to fall out lol. Yes you read that right.
7. The cabinets in the laundry room were filed down at an angle in order for it to fit in the space.  I mean really?  You couldn’t just measure the space to begin with???

I mean there is other little shit but its not even worst wasting my breathe on.  But here is the kicker that really has me considering talking to a lawyer…The building next door to us is “Affordable Housing”.  Meaning that the people that bought the homes cant make over 80K(we paid close to 300K) and the houses are DRASTICALLY different than ours.  They didn’t even give them GRASS!!!  Now why is this an issue for me?  NO ONE TOLD US IT WAS GOING IN AND I WOULD BE LIVING DIRECTLY NEXT DOOR TO A CLEARLY AFFORDABLE HOUSING UNIT.  I feel like we had the right to know before we bought the house because best believe — I would never have bought the house.  Not because I am bougie and don’t want to live next to lower income individuals.  I would never have bought the house bc it drives down the value of our home.  It is going to hurt us in resale.  So most likely I will be not let this go.

Anyway, I have learned my lesson and will never buy a new construction home from Ryan Homes because the quality we received for the price we paid is ridiculous.

If you made it this far through my rant then BLESS YOU lol.  Until next time…