My Struggles to Conceive…

I am going to switch gears for this next post (I promise I will get back to “finale” of my bariatric surgery journey) because this subject is heavy on my heart and mind at the current moment and I know I am not the only one out there who is experiencing this – conceiving another child.

I don’t understand it.  When we conceived my daughter in March of 2016 it was so easy — almost too easy.  I had come off birth control in January and my husband officially knocked me up in March.  I honestly couldn’t believe it then but I am still forever grateful that we were blessed with our beautiful daughter.  And I think that’s why I am having such a hard time understanding WHY I can’t get pregnant now.  We started trying for Baby H #2 in December 2018 and so far nothing but 1 miscarriage and 3-4 chemical pregnancies.

I am doing everything right — I lost 80 lbs, I eat healthy (minus my wine…but I wined it up more when I got pregnant with Dani so…lol), I take a prenatal, probiotic, baby aspirin everyday.  I use an Ovulation Predictor kit to determine exactly when I am most fertile too.  The only thing I stopped doing was temping.  I bought an AVA bracelet with the hopes it would help me with the tempting to conceive but it was HORRIBLE and I don’t recommend it to anyone.  It never got my ovulation days correct, and half the time didn’t even sync overnight.  It’s currently sitting in the nightstand in my room collecting dust lol.

I’ve been to a fertility specialist and everything seems to check out.  So why can’t I have another baby?  I think what makes this so hard is I only have a short window to have another baby.  My husband deploys in 5 weeks and won’t return until the fall leaving only 3 months until we reach the cutoff we set.  If by this cutoff date, we don’t conceive another child then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.  And FYI this date is set because we are both pushing 40 and we just don’t want to be in our 40s with an infant.  Total personal choice.

I’m currently 4DPO as of this log post and the one thing we both tried different this month is an additional fertility supplement.  I have been taking a product called Eu Natural Fertility Conception pills and my husband has been taking Fertilaid for men.  These are the top two fertility supplements for men and women according to numerous websites such as amazon, etc.  I saw so many reviews of people saying they were pregnant before finishing the first bottle.  I do believe a lot of these reviews are manufactured or someone got paid for them but it sparked my interest enough for me to try them.  I’ve linked them below for anyone curious…  Only time will tell if they worked and by time I’m meaning a week or less lol!

 

I certainly don’t have my hopes up though.  In fact,  I am prepared for the day when my next period starts and I am sitting in the bathroom wiping away my tears and trying not to let my daughter see me in this moment or trying not to show my husband that my body has again failed me.  I feel like such a failure every month we continue to try and I don’t get pregnant.  And it doesn’t help that EVERYONE AND THEIR FUCKING MOTHER is pregnant these days.  Don’t get me wrong — I am so happy for them because for all I know they could have struggled with the same thing as well.  I just can’t help but feel a little jealous.  I wish it was me announcing on Facebook the exciting news, you know?

Anyway, anyone who has gone though fertility struggles, do you have any suggestions?  Any one product or thing I should be doing that will boost my chances?  I literally have one more month to try before my husband leaves 😦  Has anyone tried the pills below and had success or no?

Click here to view the Conception pills on Amazon

Click here to view the Fertilaid for Men on Amazon

The Bariatric Surgery Files – Part I

Alright ya’ll.  The next few posts are going to be dedicated to my experience having bariatric surgery – specifically the Gastric Sleeve.

For those who don’t know, gastric sleeve is a surgery that decreases the size of the stomach to encourage weight loss. About 80 percent of the stomach is surgically removed, leaving a tube-like portion of the stomach in place, and removing the rest permanently.

To be honest, I didn’t even think I was a candidate for gastric sleeve surgery because while I was overweight, I didn’t weight 400 or 500 lbs nor was I close to being immobile.  So when a good friend of mine told me she was having the surgery I thought “what the f*ck?”  In my opinion – she didn’t even need it.  All she needed was to find the time to work out a bit (pot meet kettle right?!).  So I looked into it through my insurance and sure enough – I was eligible for the procedure.  But before I begin telling you about everything involved from getting approved to the actual surgery let me give you a little background about my struggles with weight.

My weight was not always an issue.  I was a dancer in high school, college and even professionally after college so I was always fit.

Yours Truly

Both photos circa 2006/2007 while still dancing

It wasn’t until I stopped dancing that things went downhill.  I continued to drink and eat whatever I wanted but the difference was that I was no longer working out 4-5 times a week.

Photos (circa 2009) not long after I quit dancing

So the weight started piling on and by the time I met my now husband in 2011 I weighed about 156.  Now that number may not seem like much to most but I am barely 5’0 so 156 is quite a lot.  We moved overseas to Italy the numbers just kept going higher and by the time I got pregnant with our daughter I was 186. Fast forward to post birth and I weighed 205!  And the weight didn’t come off like it does for a lot.  In fact, I kept gaining because I kept eating and I had no energy to work out.  I was always looking for the quick fix and wasn’t focused on long term health and weight loss.  It wasn’t until I was walking up the steps carrying my then 6 months old that I realized I needed a long term change.  I could barely breathe by the time I got up the steps and everything hurt; my back, my knees, my arms, etc.

Left photo (2015) and Right photo (2017) at my heaviest

But you know what hurt the worst?  My self-esteem.  I HATED the way I looked.  I never felt pretty, nothing fit, my clothing sizes had gone from a 3/5 to a 16/18 and I was depressed and miserable.  My marriage was suffering a little too because I would always talk about how unhappy I was but my husband always said I wouldn’t do anything about it.  To be honest, that always angered me because it’s not that I didn’t want to but I was a new mom and I worked full time.  I didn’t want to spend the little bit of free time I had working out.  Looking back though, I can see how lazy that must have sounded and it was – I own it.

So after seeing the start of success with my friend who had the surgery, I decided that I was going to do this!  So I got the referral from Tricare and scheduled my appointment.  Now me being naïve and silly, here I am thinking I will go meet with the surgeon and schedule my surgery for the next week LOL (WTF was I smoking??).  Yea shit did NOT happen like that.  It was a process just to get approved in order to schedule the surgery, but those are details I will share in my next blog post.  There is NO way I can fit this whole process in one blog post lol.  So be patient and stick with me especially if you currently feel the way I felt during this time.  Support, advice and just hearing other people’s stories helped me survive the first year after surgery so I can only hope my story does the same for someone else.

Photos circa 2019 🙂

-A

 

Updates!

So….blogging clearly hasn’t been my thing since my last update was in November 2017!  But, I am back and now super dedicated to doing more consistent blogs.  But first let me start with some updates…

Family:
We FINALLY moved back home to the DMV area after being gone since 2012 and it feels amazing.  We are only 25 minutes away from my parents so it’s amazing to finally have some free built in babysitters (I’m just sayin…).  My little mini me is now 3 and extremely sassy.  Everyone told me how fun this stage is but NO ONE told me how difficult it is as well.  I feel like everything is a constant battle and Dani is only three.  But I wouldn’t change a thing..

We are getting ready to go through a HUGE transition though — literally two months after getting stationed at the Air Force Base in MD (in case you forgot, the husband is active duty military).  We found out Mike is getting deployed to the Middle East again.  With over 17 years in, we thought we were done with the deployments but reality is that’s just not the case.  I’m a tough bitch, let me tell you, and I can handle a lot.  But this is a hard pill for me to swallow because I have no clue how it’s going to effect our daughter.  Only time will tell.  

My Health:

Alright yall.  I think the last time I updated you all, I was talking about having bariatric surgery done because my weight was just getting too big.  Well, I had it done in September of 2017 and let me tell you — it was the best decision I ever made.  I don’t talk to openly about it because so many people are quick to judge and tell you that it’s taking the easy way out but trust me it’s not.  But I will elaborate more during another post.  For some I am proud to say I am now a normal BMI at 129 lbs and healthier than I have ever been.

Like I said — I am dedicated to updated thing blog more often.  Not because I think anyone is even truly interested in it lol, but for me its gonna be a way to express myself and the things going through my head especially as I navigate the next year with everything going on.  So stay tuned for more…

 

-A.