Is it really a shock? The trials and tribulations of marriage…


Why is it such a shock to people when someone finally puts things in perspective.  I never understood that.  For example, when you tell someone “If you keep doing that then I am going to leave”  Well they continue to do it over and over for god knows how long and when you finally say “ok you either need to change or I am going to leave” all of a sudden they are shocked flabbergasted and hurt that things have come to that…..AM I MISSING SOMETHING?  I have a friend who was married three years ago to her husband (they have been together for 5 or 6 years)and while they seemingly have a good marriage they also have so many issues as well.

When they met about 6 years ago, they had a great attraction it seemed and she was about 30 lbs less than what she weighs now.  She gained that weight because she had a few health issues and unfortunately hasn’t been able to lose the weight it.  Although he has mentioned over the past few years that he has had some dislike with her weight gain, he has always said it has never been that much of an issue — enter in their sex life.  It’s pretty much non existent.  She LOVES sex and thinks its an important part of a relationship.  He thinks not and has stated on numerous occasions that he could go months without it.  However, he ALWAYS tells her that he will change and try more often but it NEVER happens.  She questions him all the time if it has to do with her weight gain and he always says no thats not the issue.  But he is notorious for telling her what she wants to her versus the truth.  He says its because he doesn’t want to hurt her, but what I don’t think he understands is that it hurts her more when he is not honest.  If he has an issue with her how can she ever fix it if he isn’t honest.  So after 3-4 years of him saying he is going to change and try more often and also years of him telling her what she wants to hear (aka lip service), she told him in February that if he doesn’t change she is going to consider a separation or divorce.  Now do I think she really wants to divorce him?  Absolutely not!  she loves him with everything in her, but she just wants him to change his ways.
Enter the dramatics that happened a few days ago.  So they haven’t seen each other for a little bit of time due to her travel for work so they were finally reuniting.  He once again promised her all these things and he completely didn’t follow through with them. So what did she do?  She finally had enough and said if he doesn’t change then she’s leaving and filling for divorce.  What is his response you ask?  His response is “I don’t like ultimatums so I refuse to change” LOL.  Yes you are reading that correctly.  Then he comes back with “I am so hurt that you were willing to walk away from the marriage”  So after she gave in and didn’t keep her word of leaving he is now telling her he doesn’t know if he wants to stay marriage.
I don’t quite understand this.  She has warned him over and over and over that this could potentially happen and when it does he turns it on her.  As you can imagine, they are having a ton of issues right now and don’t really know where they are going to go from here.
My heart breaks for her because she just wants to be happy with her husband, but some people just can’t be changed. It just baffles me that her husband still doesn’t take any accountability for his actions which caused her to want to give him the ultimatum.  Instead he wants to act super shocked and hurt that she would try and leave.  Is this what marriages these days have come to?  When you get married you take vows to one another — and if someone is unhappy or hurting you do your best to fix the issue even if it means altering your normal way of doing things.  Why get married and take those vows if your not willing to do that? Bottom line is– she is going to have to hold him accountable one day and deal with the aftermath or she is just going to stay in a marriage that is sexless and doesn’t 100% fulfill her.  What do you think she is going to do?  My vote is on the later…
Until next time..

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